Talking About Pregnancy & Infant Loss

In America, an estimated one in four pregnancies ends in a loss. This may come as a surprise, considering a 2015 national survey on the public perception of pregnancy loss found that over half of respondents believe miscarriage to be a rare (<5%) complication of pregnancy. Furthermore, the most commonly believed causes of pregnancy loss were a stressful experience, lifting a heavy object, and previous use of oral contraceptives. In reality, the majority of miscarriages are caused by a chromosomal abnormality—a spontaneous event during cell division that cannot be prevented.

The topic of pregnancy and infant loss is taboo in daily conversation, often shrouded in shame and secrecy. This lack of conversation perpetuates stigma and misconceptions and leaves women feeling guilty and isolated after a pregnancy loss. In 2015, psychologist Jessica Zucker set out to change the conversation regarding miscarriage by starting a social media campaign. Using the hashtag “IHadAMiscarriage,” she shared her own story of pregnancy loss. Since then, thousands of women have joined her in sharing their stories on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To further her goal of “disbanding the culture of silent grief,” Jessica is encouraging women to disregard the age-old rule of keeping pregnancies a secret until the end of the first trimester—if they want to, of course. She emphasizes the need to support women in every pregnancy, no matter the outcome.

The devastation of pregnancy loss is an experience shared by people all over the world, including right here at home. Columbia resident Angie Poore lost her first son, Aaron, at thirty weeks gestation. In subsequent months, Ms. Poore described feelings of isolation and guilt. Her friends and colleagues didn’t know what to say and for the most part, Aaron’s death simply wasn’t discussed. She also felt that she had somehow failed, saying, “As a mom, it’s your job to protect your children. Logically, I know nothing was my fault. But those questions are still present in my mind, like, I should’ve said something sooner or I should have pushed the issue more with the doctors… when this happens, you feel like you’re the only one. Everyone around you is having happy healthy babies, and for whatever reason, your baby is gone.”

The culture of silence surrounding pregnancy loss can make a hard time even more devastating. Ms. Poore feels there is a great need for more resources for parents after losing a child. The most helpful experience for her was when people approached her and shared their own stories of pregnancy and infant loss and in the future, Ms. Poore hopes to become part of an organization that connects families with support immediately after experiencing infant loss. Volunteers who have been through a similar loss could come to the hospital and be with families to answer questions or just sit, talk, or pray. Ms. Poore also wishes she had better photos of Aaron, including a photo of the whole family together. She voiced her support for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, an organization that sends a photographer to take free photos for families after the loss of an infant.

It took Ms. Poore a long time to feel comfortable talking about her son. She wants people to understand that when parents who have lost children bring them up in conversation, they’re not trying to make anyone uncomfortable or feel bad for them. She says, “We mention our children because they’re very much a part of us… it helps me to talk about him because then it’s not like he never existed. He is my son as much as my other two children.”

Carrie Anderson is a graduate student at the University of South Carolina Genetic Counseling Program. Find a genetic counselor at Palmetto Health USC Genetic Counseling or feel free to contact us at 803-545-5775 or genetics@uscmed.sc.edu.

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Resources regarding pregnancy and infant loss:

Remembering Our Babies (www.october15th.com) is an organization meant to provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, stillbirths, and SIDS. They strive to create a community in which grieving parents can be surrounded by support in a community that better understands their pain and learns how to reach out to those grieving.

http://www.october15th.com/

Professional photographers who provide families suffering the loss of a baby with a free gift of professional portraiture

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Americanpregnancy.org published a guideline for supporting loved ones after they experience pregnancy or infant loss

http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-loss/supporting-others/

Walk in Columbia’s March of Dimes event next year! April 21, 2018

https://marchforbabies.org/EventInfo?EventID=19391